Ever since they danced into our lives on last year’s X Factor, One Direction have been our gorge obsession. We can’t get enough of these sexy little men and we spend seemingly hours daydreaming about one of the lads taking us to bed. Here’s Celebgasm’s guide to getting penetrated by a lush One Direction tool.
After a gig
The most foolproof way to get split down the middle by one of the boys is to seek them out after one of their gigs. Traditionally you will have to join a huge number of other fans in a backstage area. Wear as little as possible and strike up a rapport with a security guard as soon as you can. Make frequent, loud references to being over the age of 16. You will probably be introduced to Niall, Zayne, Liam, Harry or Louis in a group with 5 or 6 other girls. After this point you will be instructed how to proceed but this usually means you will get to fellate the dreamboat or get “spit roasted” if you’re lucky.
In a nightclub
Boys will be boys and those saucy One Direction lads are no different! They love partying it up in trendy nightclubs. It can be difficult to pinpoint where they will be and when, but should you by chance spot one of the lads in a nightclub, here are the steps to take. Walk straight over to him, grab his face and french kiss him. Release your grip after 3 minutes (make these 3 minutes count!) and tell him you want to go all the way. The environment lends itself well to such forthright behaviour as patrons are often intoxicated. If you’ve done it right, then congratulations! You’re about to get jackhammered into next week!
In the street
The trickiest, as the boys are reluctant to engage in sexual conduct anywhere the pesky paparazzi might be lurking. However, if you do see one of the wee stunners out for a stroll in the street this is far too good an opportunity to pass up. Stop him and ask him for directions. When you have his attention, smile and say “not really, you’re the ONE DIRECTION that I want!” This will show him you are both a fan, and clever. Show him your intentions by massaging his genitals through the fabric of his trousers or shorts. Lean in and tell him exactly what you want. This can end in one of two ways; he will become aroused to the point of orgasm right there and then (not ideal but ultimately you’re not going to wash your hands for months are you!); or he’ll suggest a cab ride back to his place where a world of hitherto untapped sexual fulfillment awaits.
TIPS
The best advice we can give you is simply DO NOT GIVE UP! KEEP AT IT! Eventually one of One Direction will fuck you, even if it’s only the Muslim one. Even if you don’t think you’re good enough or good-looking enough, remember the lyrics to their song. You constantly underestimate how beautiful you are. It is One Direction’s responsibility to show you this by having full penetrative sex with you.
NEXT WEEK: How to get a fingering off of Ben from Eastenders
